thinking i will know what i’m
waiting for when i see it, i sit
here naked in the bitter cold
and wait. some are waiting
on a second coming of christ,
some are waiting on chemo to
kill their cancer before it kills
them. some are waiting for
supper, some are waiting at a
bus stop, some are waiting to die
in a war.
waiting makes me afraid of
myself. there is sadness in my
veins that hardens my heart. i
don’t know what i am willing
to do. one by one i take cigarette
butts from the ashtray and drop
them into an empty brown bottle.
i know i am crippled by hate. not
willing to shut the fuck up because
i have been waiting a very long time.
i am a troublemaker.
tormented by invisible spiders
that hide behind my eyes. they trick
me into seeing evil as something
good. paradise is always two miles
further away. i should know better,
i have waited through many twilights
of to many seasons. i have answered
to many temptations that knocked at
my door. they are not what i’ve been
waiting for, i will know it when i see it.